This is a tribute to the nice guys. The nice guys that finish last, that never
become more than friends, that endure hours of whining and bitching about what assholes
guys are, while disproving the very point. This is dedicated to those guys who always
provide a shoulder to lean on but restrain themselves to tentative hugs, those guys
who hold open doors and give reassuring pats on the back and sit patiently outside
the changing room at department stores. This is in honor of the guys that obligingly
reiterate how cute/beautiful/smart/funny/sexy their female friends are at the
appropriate moment, because they know most girls need that litany of support. This
is in honor of the guys with open minds, with laid-back attitudes, with honest concern.
This is in honor of the guys who respect a girl’s every facet, from her privacy to her
theology to her clothing style.
This is for the guys who escort their drunk, bewildered female friends back from
parties and never take advantage once they’re at her door, for the guys who accompany
girls to bars as buffers against the rest of the creepy male population, for the guys
who know a girl is fishing for compliments but give them out anyway, for the guys who
always play by the rules in a game where the rules favor cheaters, for the guys who are
accredited as boyfriend material but somehow don’t end up being boyfriends, for all the
nice guys who are overlooked, underestimated, and unappreciated, for all the nice guys
who are manipulated, misled, and unjustly abandoned, this is for you.
This is for that time she left 40 urgent messages on your cell
phone, and when you called her back, she spent three hours
painstakingly dissecting two sentences her boyfriend said to her over
dinner. And even though you thought her boyfriend was a chump and a
jerk, you assured her that it was all ok and she shouldn’t worry about
it. This is for that time she interrupted the best killing spree you’d
ever orchestrated in GTA3 to rant about a rumor that romantically
linked her and the guy she thinks is the most repulsive person in the
world. And even though you thought it was immature and you had nothing
against the guy, you paused the game for two hours and helped her
concoct a counter-rumor to spread around the floor. This is also for
that time she didn’t have a date, so after numerous vows that there was
nothing “serious” between the two of you, she dragged you to a party
where you knew nobody, the beer was awful, and she flirted shamelessly
with you, justifying each fit of reckless teasing by announcing to
everyone: “oh, but we’re just friends!” And even though you were
invited purely as a symbolic warm body for her ego, you went anyways.
Because you’re nice like that.
The nice guys don’t often get credit where credit is due. And
perhaps more disturbing, the nice guys don’t seem to get laid as often
as they should. And I wish I could logically explain this trend, but I
can’t. From what I have observed on campus and what I have learned from
talking to friends at other schools and in the workplace, the only
conclusion I can form is that many girls are just illogical,
manipulative bitches. Many of them claim they just want to date a nice
guy, but when presented with such a specimen, they say irrational,
confusing things such as “oh, he’s too nice to date” or “he would be a
good boyfriend but he’s not for me” or “he already puts up with so much
from me, I couldn’t possibly ask him out!” or the most frustrating of
all: “no, it would ruin our friendship.” Yet, they continue to lament
the lack of datable men in the world, and they expect their
too-nice-to-date male friends to sympathize and apologize for the men
that are jerks. Sorry, guys, girls like that are beyond my ability to
fathom. I can’t figure out why the connection breaks down between what
they say (I want a nice guy!) and what they do (I’m going to sleep with
this complete ass now!).
But one thing I can do, is say that the nice-guy-finishes-last
phenomenon doesn’t last forever. There are definitely many girls who
grow out of that train of thought and realize they should be dating the
nice guys, not taking them for granted. The tricky part is finding
those girls, and even trickier, finding the ones that are single.
So, until those girls are found, I propose a toast to all the nice guys. You know
who you are, and I know you’re sick of hearing yourself described as ubiquitously
nice. But the truth of the matter is, the world needs your patience in the department
store, your holding open of doors, your party escorting services, your propensity to
be a sucker for a pretty smile. For all the crazy, inane, absurd things you tolerate, for
all the situations where you are the faceless, nameless hero, my accolades, my
acknowledgement, and my gratitude go out to you. You do have credibility in this
society, and your well deserved vindication is coming.
Fu-zu Jen, SEAS/WH, 2003
